He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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