just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize