Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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