i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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