i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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