shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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