how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
