I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Found the puke drawer
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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