my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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