I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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