im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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