Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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