I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
