Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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