i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize