I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
