look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
