And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
