Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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