I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
