hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize