she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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