Someone shit on the floor
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
