If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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