I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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