Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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