I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
