Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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