Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i've created a new STD.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
