u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize