If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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