So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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