totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I supernannyed him into submission
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
