I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
