In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
