Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
