i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
