mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
