I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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