you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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