I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
