I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
