I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
