You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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