Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
