Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
All the doctor said was why
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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