So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
whose ass print is on the piano?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
