Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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