how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
