i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
