haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
