On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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