You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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