So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
