my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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