It's like God shit irony all over that family
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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