You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
