Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You can't just leave with hair like that
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
