omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
