im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
