did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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