Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
