Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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