He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
