God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
