On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
