my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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